| Spaghetti Western | MPAA:R |
The last review I wrote (The Hunt for Red October) was by request of my friend Skip -- but what he was really hoping for was my opinion on Crimson Tide. Well, I didn't have it, but when I was wondering what to write about this time, it occurred to me that I do have a few videos starring his favorite actor, Gene Hackman (or Hack Man, if you're the spell checker for Word 2.0c). I have a silly buddy comedy with him and Dan Ackroyd called Loose Cannons, and this film -- where he plays the villain -- The Quick and the Dead.
Ok, so this isn't really a Gene Hackman movie, it's actually a Sharon Stone movie (and for all you horny guys out there, yes -- she does flash her breasts, but very quickly, and not very clearly -- oh well). The script mentions her name sometime -- near the end I think -- but for most of the film she's merely referred to as The Lady. There's also The Kid (Leonardo DiCapprio -- he's the one she beds down with), The Swede, The Crazy Motherf----- who just escaped from prison, The Loony Toon that The Lady chains to a wagon in the desert (he tries to ambush her on her way into town, but she gets him instead), The Preacher, The Town Pimp, The Blind Shoeshine Boy, The Kindly Town Doc (Roberts Blossum -- the old guy from Home Alone), The Indestructible Indian, Ace, The elegant Black Gentleman, and Herrod (Hackman) -- the head goon and creator of the quick draw competition. The prize is a chest full of money, but since Herrod always wins, the money never travels far. The Kid claims to be Herrod's son, but Herrod denies it. The Preacher used to be Herrod's right-hand man, until Herrod made him kill a priest -- after which he gave up killing and became a preacher himself. Herrod has him dragged back to town (literally) in order to prove to him that he's not a preacher -- he's a born killer. The Elegant Black Gentleman was hired by the townspeople in hopes that he could rid them of Herrod and his goons, while Ace is a loudmouthed blowhard braggart that Herrod plans on deflating. The Town Pimp is out to add The Saloonkeeper's (Batman's Pat Hingle) daughter (The Torkelson's Olivia Burnette) to his bordello staff. And of course there's The Lady -- who has returned to exact her revenge. The Preacher almost doesn't survive to get entered into the competition, Herrod's men drag him into the saloon, and after throwing a noose over a rafter, they put The Preacher on a chair and prepare to hang him. Herrod does some ridiculous pontificating, and starts taking pot-shots at the chair. The Lady tries to distract him by announcing her desire to enter the contest, but Herrod keeps plugging away until the chair collapses. The Lady whips out her gun and shoots the rope, and The Preacher collapses to the floor. Herrod yells to enter them both, and the big party begins. The Lady wakes up (or perhaps regains consciousness would be better) in The Kid's bed -- which sits on a supply of explosives. The Kid is the local arms supplier, a fact we discover when Herrod brings in The Preacher for a gun. The Kid sells The preacher the cheapest gun he had, but assures him that it shoots straight. The rules for the contest, challenges first, then draw lots for matchups. The Lady starts toward Herrod to challenge him, when The Loony Toon from the desert comes in and challenges her. The contestants stand out on the street, and when the clock strikes, both contestants draw -- if someone plans on drawing early, sharpshooters are standing by to remove them from competition. The first matchup is The Kid and The Swede. They take their marks, the crowd is silent, the clock strikes and The Kid wings The Swede (the contest isn't to the death, not yet anyway). The Swede, deciding defeat is better than death concedes, and The Kid leaves amongst the swooning prostitutes. The Lady dispatches her crazy challenger, and despite claims to the contrary, The Preacher's reflexes get the better of him and he offs his competitor. As the competition continues, The Lady goes after The Town Pimp, after he takes The Saloonkeeper's daughter to bed, and starts bragging about how she'd make a wonderful new addition to his staff (so to speak). The Lady takes him out into a torrential downpour (which had competition suspended until then). She wounds him, and he concedes, but then comes back into the saloon and draws on her. This time she kills him. Herrod, after pointing out to Ace that he's been known to miss some of his trick shots, and that he's maimed several children for the sake of his ego, blows off both of his hands, then kills him. In a later round he takes the top of The Elegant Black Gentleman's head off, then berates the town for it. The Preacher outdraws The Indestructible Indian, only to have him get back up and try to shoot him. The Preacher is only given one bullet each round (so he won't be tempted to take potshots at Herrod) and when The Indestructible Indian starts getting up, he yells to The Blind Shoeshine Boy for another bullet (which, oddly enough, he manages to find -- by touch alone). He tosses the bullet to The Preacher, who finally dispatches The Indestructible Indian for good. The Lady, who makes it to the semi-finals, gets to overwhelmed by the whole thing and heads out of town, where she is stopped by The Kindly Town Doc, who remembers who she is, and knows why she came back. He helps her to find strength, and she goes back to town, only to find that she has to duel The Preacher, while Herrod duels The Kid. As The Lady and The Preacher have developed a bit of a friendship, she's not too pleased with the prospect of trying to kill him. In the morning, Herrod tries to talk The Kid out of the competition, but he refuses, and ends up dying when Herrod proves faster than him. Although he's all choked up about his death, Herrod still refuses to acknowledge The Kid as his son, the only thing The Kid ever wanted. When it's The Lady and The Preacher's turn, the bell rings, and they just stand there. Herrod starts counting down, telling them to draw or he'll have them killed where they stand. Finally they draw - The Preacher is first with his shot, and The Lady falls to the ground. The Kindly Town Doc rushes to her and carries her away weeping (him, not her). The next morning, and the big finale. Herrod has told his men to make sure The Preacher dies, regardless of any rules of fair play. They line up, but as the bell is about to strike, the bell tower explodes (taking some of Herrod's men with it). The Herrod's house explodes, and the whore house, and several other building. When Herrod screams for the culprit, who should come striding out of the smoke -- The Lady! (at the side of the street we see a smiling Kindly Town Doc and Blind Shoeshine Boy, who drops an almost empty bottle of red ink to his feet) The Preacher grabs a gun from one of Herrod's goons and starts removing the remaining goons from the area. As The Lady and Herrod face each other he yells Who are you? She tosses the Star her father wore as the town Marshall, and we see the flashback of his death. Seems Herrod and his boys had her father (Gary Sinise - Forrest Gump, Apollo 13, The Stand), strung up (much the same as The Preacher was earlier) and they tell this little girl that if she can shoot the rope, her daddy can live. She doesn't want to, but they make her do it anyway. She came close, she was only 3 inches to low -- she hit his head instead of the rope. Herrod yells - you're not fast enough. She yells - today I am. They draw and fire The Lady falls -- shot in the shoulder. Herrod stands and admires the sun shining through the hole in his stomach. He aims at her again, and this time she takes his head off. She gives the star to The Preacher and rides off into the sunset.
Now does this, or does this not sound like the plot to a Clint Eastwood Spaghetti Western. This movie was more of a Clint Eastwood western than Unforgiven was. And a lot of western fans couldn't forgive Sharon Stone (and the director, Sam Raimi) for that. Ok, so it's a little overboard at times, so were the spaghetti westerns -- that's why you watch them. So, if you're fond of Pasta with your westerns, see this film.