I seem to be suffering from some strange kind of condition. I spend my days with a question hovering just beyond my grasp.
What do you want?
I'll be walking into the kitchen, and poof - What do you want? I'm driving down the road - What do you want? Sitting here, watching Spartacus on Encore, and typing this - What do you want?
So, what do I want? It's a fair question, but why does it always invade my thoughts. Years of faithful church attendance have taught me that the Lord has all manners of blessings for me, if I just ask. Is this question supposed to be a reminder to me - and if so, what do I do about it? Do I ask God for a new guitar? I did get a new guitar recently - not the $1400 Guild I would love to have, but an inexpensive Danelectro that is a big improvement over what I currently had. But do I ask for the expensive guitar?
But what about the less tangible things I want - a chance to go back in the past and tell my younger self to do certain things, and not do others. Go back 8 years ago, before she died, and tell Denise how much I valued her friendship when we were children (ed. note -- turns out Denise wasn't dead, and I got a chance to tell her how I felt -- but what has happened with her saddens me more than thinking she was dead did..). Keep in touch with Whizzer, and not just lose track of her as the years went by. Leave Sangamon before the axe falls on all of us, maybe save myself 3 years of Mr. Mom duty.
But what do I want now, within reason of course. Decent working hours - and a set schedule. Enough time to actually keep my page updated occasionally. Quality time with my wife and daughter. Good health, and a minimal amount of life's complications. Lunch with my bestest, oldest friend from time to time. Those are actually the easy things - the tough ones are the ones that require work from me.
What do you want?
I want to have that same, silly, flirtatious, giddy, love/lust I had with my wife when we first were together - before the years, the house, the cars, the responsibilities. Just two people who were silly in love. I want to clean up the house, and the garage, and the cars, and the shed. I want to lose some excess tonnage. I want to be the person I was when I was 23.
Then again, maybe not - 35 isn't so bad. And I wouldn't give up Bubbles for all the Earl Grey and Plantation Mint Tea in China. Maybe I just want to be genuinely happy with who I am, where I am, right now. That's not too much to ask, is it?